I know not anymore

I think it is the ultimate cruelty to be given the ability to think and reason, only to have those abilities stripped away by the hormones and cocktail of chemicals that courses through one's brain. These days the me that is I feels decidedly off kilter. With my intellectual side fighting to stay the course, knowing that I must wait, be patient. While my physical and emotional sides try to run rampart, demanding attention, satisfaction, gratification, now, want want want.

I think I would laugh if it was not happening to me. Sometimes I do laugh and just shake my head, as I watch events unfold around me. Powerless to stop, not even sure I would want to if I could. But the worst is feeling like a spectator in my own life, observing the cause and effect of my actions, praying to God that the plans I had laid while possessing a modicum of sanity will see me through the times when I can't seem to hold onto a single coherent thought.

Only two things give me hope. For all the tumult, my life does not feel like a soapy. And as the Chinese say: Good happenings must go through many trials and tribulations.